LOVE! As Noun, Verb & Imperative
In the streets, in death & dying, in political discourse... love is always needed, in all kinds of places. But in times like these, we need it more than ever.
I first released the following short section on Instagram, on Wednesday 6th November 2024, in response to the US election results.
Today brought difficult news. Like, quantum physics-grade difficult. How can this have happened, in front of us? How can he have become president? Again?! And how can so many be celebrating, thrilled about this news?
I had to curl up in a safe space today, to take it all in and wonder, “What should I do now? Might I have anything that could help me and/or others at this time? Or in times ahead?”
And my thinking brought me here. I don’t know a whole lot about physics, quantum or otherwise, but after kissing many frogs in search of Prince Mart van Charming, and then marrying him in 2008, I know some stuff about love. I’ve seen and touched and felt it, and watched it transform others. I’ve felt it transform me, and I’m blessed to feel it every day. And what I feel in my bones right now is that I refuse to succumb to, or lower myself to the kind of hatred and hurt I sense out there, lurking and swirling around fear. What quenches darkness? Light. So, love is what we need to cherish, nurture and protect right now. Love is the thing to maximize. It’s what we need to share.
Some years ago, while admiring the windows of Galeries Lafayette, enjoying Paris’s Christmas joie de vivre, Mart swept the entire scene up in a grand gesture with the words, “Isn’t this wonderful?!” Exactly at that moment, a Middle Eastern-looking woman appeared out of nowhere with a few kids in tow, pushing a pram, wearing a hijab, trailing a man up ahead – until she stopped abruptly, mid-rush, to beam us a huge smile and exclaim, “No, YOU TWO are wonderful!” before she vanished again into the crowds and the City of Light.
Eventually we deduced… this woman had really seen OUR LOVE. And by shining her own, HER LOVE then transformed us. She reminded us how love can empower and surprise, even from places we might never expect. From beneath any kind of clothing, or any shade of skin, any shape or colour of eye, love is ready and… often, it has been waiting. To just be acknowledged, or recognised, or given the chance to love in return.
Be careful not to miss it.
Be mindful, it might be fragile.
Try not to pass love by.
I love this photo. For various reasons like… the composition, and the fact that it’s my husband Mart’s hands, and mine, all just kind of clasped together - a bit Escher-ish in its conflating of endings and beginnings. I like the way our wedding bands, and Mart’s nail ring, really ‘pop’ from the image. But I think most of all I love two things that are not even visible in the photo.
The idea to shoot our hands like this came from my dear friend Roz Hervey. (Some of you may have read about Roz in my post: Notes From Energetic Spaces.) She declared, quite matter-of-factly, as soon as our lunch plates were gone, “I’d like to take a picture of your hands.” So Mart and I got busy with arranging our fingers and hands and then —
Roz took this photo. She took it on her phone. I did not take it on mine.
I know I said I love two things about this photo. But there’s actually a third thing - quite apart from the photo and yet… something all ABOUT love… which is that, you see, Roz died this last Thursday. Hang on, that didn’t come out right. Roz departed from us. Roz ended her life. Roz transcended all of this and transmuted into light, shimmering and expanding outwards and beyond.
(In a nutshell: our shared history dates back to professional dance school in Adelaide, South Australia, in 1983. Two years ago, Roz was diagnosed with MND (motor neurone disease), a condition with no cure, that affects the brain and nervous systems, leading to muscular wasting and (usually in around two years), death. Wanting to be in control of her own departure, Roz applied to the newly legal Voluntary Assisted Dying scheme of South Australia, but it wasn’t easy getting clarity from them about When? At what stage of her debilitating illness would she “be allowed” to die?)
Dancer, choreographer, director and producer Roz has a son (late teens), a daughter (mid twenties), and a husband, and together they make an extraordinarily artistic, creative, outgoing, loving family unit. Throughout her illness, Roz has been determined to live and to love all the way up to the brim of her chalice - which more often than not, she managed to overflow! She has maintained a running diary on Instagram: 4 - 6 or 7 photos every day, each with micro, one or two-word descriptions - all powered by the clear-sighted purpose of creating memories, quite literally, for the family she would be leaving behind.
I live on the complete opposite side of the planet from Roz, so it’s been a remarkable gift to be able to feel ‘involved’ by being a member of this Insta group, giving occasional Likes or Comments that transcend geography with a mere keystroke.
Earlier this week, feeling the ominous tick-tock of Roz’s two year diagnosis clock, I messaged her to say I imagined she was probably heading into the really difficult stuff right about now, the phase when she would start to lose control(s) of her body. I admitted to having nothing to offer her. No fixes or solutions other than my words -and that I was trying to hold some kind of space open for her.
Plus I wanted to thank her for all she was doing by creating love, by manifesting love, by making love so real and tangible and powerful for every single person and being in her orbit. I shared with her the following link to a gorgeous piece of writing. The musician and performance artist Laurie Anderson tells her story to Rolling Stone Magazine, about taking care of her husband and the love of her life, fellow musician Lou Reed, all the way through multiple illnesses, and then through and out the other side of death. It’s a heart-searingly beautiful, passionate, inspiring, and in parts even helpful article. Death can throw curve-balls at the living, after all. Doesn’t hurt to know a few tricks around how to dodge the worst of them!
Here are just a few of Laurie Anderson’s words from this piece:
“As meditators, we had prepared for this – how to move the energy up from the belly and into the heart and out through the head. I have never seen an expression as full of wonder as Lou’s as he died. His hands were doing the water-flowing 21-form of tai chi. His eyes were wide open. I was holding in my arms the person I loved the most in the world, and talking to him as he died. His heart stopped. He wasn’t afraid. I had gotten to walk with him to the end of the world. Life – so beautiful, painful and dazzling – does not get better than that.
And death? I believe that the purpose of death is the release of love.”
So I included this last statement: “The purpose of death is the release of love,” in what I was writing to Roz, followed by:
“When some people’s deaths cause shock and surprise because no one saw them coming, I think that in those cases the love can be slower to come back around, because at first it’s obliterated by pain and sadness.
I just want to say that, with how you have chosen to LIVE what’s left of your life, and your commitment to your Insta posts for your family to have memories, for us all to have memories, I believe that you are already releasing more love than you can begin to imagine. And that ‘release of love’ won’t stop when you depart from us, physically.
If a handbook could appear, called ‘How to Die Gracefully, with the Most Compassion for Yourself, and for All of Those You Love,’ please let the inspiration and role model be the incomparable Roz Hervey.
Roz answered that I was spot on with my suspicions and my timeline, and wrote, “The end is close but the love is strong.” Which, as I’m sure you can imagine, completely undid me.
Less than 48 hours later, I (along with many others on her list) received a farewell message; an email of gratitude, in which Roz explained how fast her body has deteriorated in recent months, and that she’d been able to get a confirmation from Voluntary Assisted Dying, South Australia, so she was seizing the opportunity. (“Seize the day” was one of her mottos she shared, through her dying, and always.) She had no desire to hang around for the dependency, the pain, the complications and the sadness. “I want to leave the party while it’s still going. That time is now.”
Why am I telling you all of this? Because, quite simply, Roz’s love, and the love of those around her, has transformed me. It has opened my mind, and shown me things I had never seen before. So I hope that at least, even if only in a small way, you’re also able to benefit from the love that is emanating from her and around her. Drink it in. Inhale it and let it empower you.
Love of this strength and power doesn’t come along every day - while there is more than enough hatred in the world. And as of this last week, hatred has a new Master, with multiple millions scuttling behind him, fully committed to follow where he leads. So in my view, there’s nothing wrong with grabbing on, with holding on to love, WHEREVER YOU CAN FIND IT. And then once you’ve held that love and energised yourself, share your love onwards, however you possibly can.
Any idiot can hate - that’s the easy thing to do. So if tempted towards hatred, please try just that little bit harder. Please turn towards love instead.
And then lastly, this is a bit of… Oh, why the hell not??!! It fits with today’s theme!
What it is is an old video. A twenty years old video, of me performing as Gayle Force, at Club Volta in Amsterdam, in 2004, not long after a similarly contentious United States election had taken place. What you will hear is Gayle Force’s letter of protest she wrote at the time that, in many ways, is just as relevant today. Gayle also announces that she has become a terrorist. A Terrorist of Love (TOL), capable of delivering Love Attacks. Maybe it’s time to follow her example.
With thanks to Megan Garr and Prue Duggan for running the amazing organisation Wordsinhere, and to Sarah Lambert and Dammit I Can’t Remember His Name (Victor? Vincent?), for the shaky camera work and the giggles.
Sorry, no subtitles on this one. If you would prefer to read along via the script, please be my guest via this link.
Which concludes what I have for you for this post. But… since you’re all the way down here at the end anyway, if you have an insight, a story, a question, or perhaps even some love you’d like to share, please Write a Comment in the space just a wee way down from here. Monologues are fine ‘n all, but I also really love conversations!
Until next time, love and light,
Matthew.
(Since this post went live on Sunday the 10th, a friend sent me this beautiful tribute to Roz, published in InReview / InDaily South Australia. Thank you, thoughtful Maria!)
Always love your writing. Especially love this piece. And I so LOVE you!!!
What a wonderful text! Especially when you read it - I love your voice. Thank you, Matthew. Love, Patrick